A Femme's Christmas Tree Cheat Sheet
It’s time once again for A Femme’s Christmas Tree Cheat Sheet—Everything You Need to Know in Order to Have Someone Else Put Up Your Christmas Tree Perfectly
Plans & Prep [in order of requirement] so as not to necessitate the annual reinvention of the wheel. Butches just do not put up Christmas Trees often enough to remember these vital details!
[Read this slowly aloud to your Butch, as she will want to picture every step.]
Get your butch to bring up all the Xmas boxes from the basement, or down from the attic, a few days in advance. If you wait till the day of, she’ll feel put upon.
Get your hair and nails done the day before Tree Day. Do not explain why.
Be sure your sexiest leggings, fluffiest sweater, and highest-heeled boots are ready to go.
Locate your fox fur halo so your curls don’t get crushed on Tree Day.
Is your mink out of storage and smelling of you?
Know where you want the tree; also know measurements, especially ceiling height.
Be sure to buy the best Butch Christmas tree stand to be had on the market—it’s called a large pin stand [Do I need to explain? Really?], and it looks like the picture that accompanies this post. You can get one by clicking here.
Egg nog, egg nog, egg nog … and a little something to warm it if you like that sort of thing
Remember,
It is permissible to buy and put the tree up on one day;
put the lights on slowly,
decorate the next,
and do tinsel the next,
according to the Femme.
And, what the Femme says, goes.
BEFORE you go to buy the tree,
Get your butch [and her team] to move any furniture, rugs, artwork.
Plug in extension cord for tree lights.
Make sure your butch [team] wears clothes they don’t mind getting sap on, or if they do, be sure to have, and use, Goof-Off, and save the day.
Bring scissors/blade and gardening gloves for Team Butch to move the tree into the house. Do not, under any circumstances, get a pair for yourself. Show the team your perfect manicure if they exhibit confusion.
Be sure to have them bring sledge hammer, spike, stand, and blanket to cover any anomalies upstairs inside the room.
BUYING the tree …
Go to the tree place and pick the perfect tree; this is a Femme’s number one task.
A butch tree is tall and slender; a femme tree is [a] broad.
Do NOT let them trim the top or cut branches from the bottom.
DO remember to have them cut one inch off the base so it wicks water better.
Or, be sure your butch’s saw is available to do the job.
Buy the crystals or Prolong stuff to save watering.
Be sure you have $5.00 in cash to give your butch to tip the kid who straps it on [the car.] They will discuss it interminably. Do not weigh in while they do this; just shiver and smile bravely.
HOME again …
Pull into driveway, watch your butch take tree off the car in front of the house. Be sure to cheer.
Supervise Team Butch as they take the tree up front stairs. Under no circumstances should you offer to help other than to hold the door open.
It’s better to do this task in the daytime.
Take off your fur halo and fluff your hair.
Put the Yule Log on the DVD player and enjoy the sound of the fire.
Be sure the Christmas CDs are right by the CD player, and you, go, girl. If you can carry a tune, be my guest.
Egg nog.
Toss your mink over the sofa and drape yourself artfully over it.
Be sure to have them do the work INSIDE the room; the stand doesn’t fit through the door. It is your job to hold the collective memory of this; your butch will never, ever remember this.
Have them put the tree bag on [cut hole in bottom], and tuck it up into the lower branches. This makes it a breeze when taking the dry, needle-shedding tree down and back down the front steps to the outside for recycling after Epiphany.
Have them use the sledge hammer to put the stand on.
Hammer stand on with top of tree lifted to get stand on levelly.
Use Team Butch.
More egg nog. All around.
Be sure not to let Team Butch mess with the tree and the stand too much (it compromises the hole). [No comment.]
Have them cut the tree net loose, raise tree, and let it sit so gravity can do what gravity does. Do not pull on the branches to get them to drop; do not allow anyone else to do so either.
Scootch tree into the corner of room. Make them turn it till you get the unmistakable inner click which says, “Perfect.” Use books to level it slightly tilting back into the corner if necessary. Said possible books are the reason for the snowy white Tree Blanket.
N.B. Occasionally, Mother Nature really screws with the trunks of Christmas Trees. If you happen to choose one such skewed tree, there are secret ways to tie the tree to the wall. You must find an Advanced Christmas Femme to discover these ways.
Add water.
More egg nog.
Get Team Butch to vacuum the whole world (forever).
Use Goobegone for sap on their hands.
Have Team Butch put as many small multi-colored lights on the tree as it can hold. Supervise steadily. Dark areas are not permissible, and there is no such thing as too many Christmas lights.
Send Team Butch home.
Hang mistletoe.
Do what you do.
Happy! Merry!
P.S. More tinsel, darling, is better tinsel.